Years ago when I was a cop, Thanksgiving was my least favorite holiday to work. The reason was entirely selfish -- I didn't want to get bitten, slugged or covered in mincemeat.

Working Christmas was understandably tough. It meant that I missed opening gifts with the kids. Patrol on New Year's was bad because the collective IQ of the entire human race drops 50 points as midnight approaches. Halloween sucked for obvious reasons.

I hated working Thanksgiving because it's the one holiday devoted to bringing people together -- people who really shouldn't be within a hundred miles of each other for the rest of their lives.

I am, of course, talking about families. Domestic dispute calls were bad enough during the rest of the year. Frankly, nobody fights like couples who have gotten on each other's last #%$* nerve.

Family fight calls on Thanksgiving were worse. Not only was there the added stress of a holiday, but also the fact that reinforcements for the opposing sides were already at the scene.

It's bad enough when couples fight. Toss in assorted cousins, drunken uncles, crazy aunts, in-laws, bitter siblings and unwelcome significant others, and what you have then isn't a family fight so much as a riot with all the trimmings.

Maybe that's why even today when asked what I'm most thankful for on Thanksgiving, the first thing that comes to mind is always tear gas.

Not all families have issues this big, but all families have issues. Unfortunately these issues are rarely taken into account by the person in charge of family togetherness: generally the most overly optimistic and clueless member.

With just a little advance preparation, it's possible to have a Thanksgiving dinner where the turkey is the only thing that gets overheated.

Location, as they say, is everything. It's a good idea to put as much of this as possible between two family members with known conflicts: if not the county line, then at least the length of the table.

Set up tables at opposite ends of the house for Republicans and Democrats. It might even be a good idea to serve the Libertarians out in the garage. Do not seat your Proposition 8-supporting brother directly across the table from your uncle and his new husband.

Family members who owe each other money should not be permitted to dine at the same table with anything sharper than a spoon at their disposal.

Finally, Thanksgiving is largely regarded as a holiday based on freedom of religion. However, family dinner should not be considered a good time to pester other people with yours, particularly if you've been doing it for years and it hasn't worked.

What else? Oh, yeah. Make sure the fattest person in the family is never left alone with the pies.

Robert Kirby is a columnist. Reach him at rkirby@sltrib.com