In September, Forbes listed Salt Lake City as No. 8 of America's 10 most stressful cities. The capitol of Zion came in behind Chicago, New York, Detroit, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego and Cleveland.

Six months before the Forbes list, SLC was No. 49 on biz journal's "Stress Rankings For 50 U.S. Metros." What went wrong in such a short amount of time?

Probably nothing. Both lists used varying factors in determining stress levels, including air quality, cats per capita, employment, crime, cell phone reception, commuting, proximity to lepers, housing, obesity, sunshine, verified monster sightings and literacy.

As expected, not everyone was happy with the rankings. Residents immediately defended their cities.

A woman in Chicago said: "I was only shot twice this year. How can that be more stressful than Detroit?"

Meanwhile, a Loobyville, Mo., farmer was annoyed that his town didn't even make the list. "Lots of folks here been abducted by aliens and had their backsides probed. Don't get more stressful than that.

Neither of those people may actually exist. I'm simply trying to point out that stress is relative to the person experiencing it.

I have visited or lived in all the cities on the Forbes list and wouldn't list any of them as the most stressful places in America. Based on personal experience and preferences, my list looks like this:

10. Kalaloch, Wash. Stressful mostly at night when you've been listening to Bigfoot stories and suddenly need to visit a distant outhouse.

9. Mountain Home, Idaho. One of my closest friends lives here. Unfortunately, visits are always stressful because his wife seriously hates my guts.

8. Rawlins, Wyo. I spent a highly stressful night freezing to death in a VW bug here after the highway patrol closed Interstate-80 during a blizzard.

7. Kihei, Hawaii. There isn't enough therapy in the entire world to make me OK with the stress of a week spent here in a condo with my entire extended family.

6. Jacksonville, Fla. It's probably changed a lot. I vaguely remember it as a city where anyone with a big mouth should avoid staggering afoul of the police.

5. North Las Vegas, Nev. My home for a couple of years primarily because I was still a teenager and the old man sometimes chained me to a post in the carport.

4. Texola, Okla. I was here for about four minutes in 1971, standing beside the highway when a 70 mph can of beer barely missed my lack of a proper haircut.

3. Columbia, S.C. I did basic training here. Given the opportunity again, I'd rather spend the same amount of time without pants in a Loobyville cornfield.

2. Fort Irwin, Calif. I lived here for several years. It's highly stressful for anyone requiring sensory input.

1. Provo. Two months living in the LDS Church's language training mission ranks Provo as the most stressful city in my entire life. It still makes me hyperventilate.

rkirby@

sltrib.com