The message for Mormon teens is to stay away from "steady dating," Browning explains. At 16, only if they feel ready, are they free to casually date and go out in groups. So if it's all casual and nothing's serious, does it make a difference if a kid grabs an ice-cream cone with someone outside the fold? Yes it does, he says, pointing to words issued by President Spencer W. Kimball about 40 years ago. One never knows, after all, where an ice-cream cone may lead.
"You want to date individuals who you can ultimately see yourself marrying," he answers, saying he really doesn't know of Highland students who go against this advice. "For the kids who live the standards, there's a light in their eyes . . . and they're happy."
It's this kind of teaching, this sticking to one's own, that leaves Paul Murphy sometimes aching for his son. Alex, a senior at Bountiful High, has asked girls out only to be told they won't date him, even casually, because he's not a Mormon, Murphy explains.
"They want to go out with kids who share the same morals. . . . But to assume that if you're not LDS you don't have moral standards is a bad assumption," says Murphy, whose family is devoutly Christian.
The Rev. Gene Hasse, pastor of Bountiful Vineyard Christian, is - like Murphy - involved with The WAY (Wasatch Area Youth), an interfaith program for young people. He, too, has heard from students who've been rejected because of their faith, and about LDS parents who've interceded to put the kibosh on innocent relationships. "Kids aren't allowed to be kids," says Hasse, who believes marriage should be between people with like-minded beliefs. But as high-school students, they should at least be free to cultivate friendships, he says.
One person who definitely agrees is Anthony Sweat, seminary principal at Salt Lake City's West High.
"I preach to my students that of course they should date nonmembers," he says. "Friendly dating, social dating - who cares if they're Methodist, Buddhist, Hindu or agnostic? . . . Does that person have high standards and can you maintain your standards with them?"
Sweat also points to the LDS Church pamphlet Browning promotes, but he reads the 2001 publication differently: "Nowhere in there does it say you can't date someone who's not LDS." He views this as a "deliberate" decision. Yes, serious relationships should be reserved for when someone is ready to be married, but he says that should come after a young man's been on his mission. "That's the message I think most people teach. That's how I teach it anyway, because I think that's how 'The Strength of Youth' reads."
Jacob Rokeach, now 22 and of Los Angeles, was never planning to go on a mission; he's Jewish, after all. And when he was a student at Skyline High in Salt Lake City, he says he certainly wasn't out to find a wife. He did like girls and loved to date, but he didn't seek out Jews because (a) the pool was beyond small, and (b) those who were Jewish he already knew too well; they were more like family.
Of the high-school relationships Rokeach did have, one with a Mormon girl lasted about four months. He says her family was wonderful to him and often invited him over for Sunday dinners. He even once went to church with her. But he marvels at how their paths diverged and their cultures differ. "She got married at 19 years old or 20," he says. "I'm still not dating to marry."
A recent Mormon graduate of Salt Lake City's East High, whom The Tribune agreed not to name, says she, too, wasn't really expecting to marry her high-school boyfriend. Many of the kids in her circle, she says, were dating outside the LDS Church fold. And she scoffs, based on people she knows there, at Browning's assumption that the same isn't rampantly true at Highland. Her senior-year boyfriend, whom she describes as non-Mormon but "a really spiritual guy," was someone she could talk to about most anything and a person who taught her more about herself and others. Her seminary teachers knew and liked him, and yet when they led lessons about dating, she says she "felt sort of singled out and almost angry."
She admits she's always dreamed of getting married in the Salt Lake LDS Temple, and says while she might have fantasized about him converting to Mormonism, she'd only want him to do that for himself, not her. He's now in college out of state, and she has a hard time picturing a future with him. But she has no regrets and feels the LDS Church stance and teachings on dating fail to take into account the realities affecting youth today.
Madie Porter, who is also LDS, feels the same way but for different reasons. She's only 16, a junior at Brighton High in Cottonwood Heights, but she's already had a one-year relationship, which recently ended. Her ex-boyfriend, also a Mormon, came into her life at a critical and perfect time. In her circle of friends, which included Mormons, kids were partying, drinking and dabbling in drugs. Porter says she wasn't strong enough to say no, and he gave her that strength by setting an example.
"I really needed him," she says. "Without this wonderful boy in my life, I wouldn't be who I am in my faith."
Was she breaking church teachings by exclusively dating one person? Sure. Is she sorry? Not at all. They maintained their morals and values, only kissed, held hands and "never got intense," she says. And he made her a more devout Latter-day Saint.
"It's so hard to really find someone who can really connect with you, get everything you're going through and help you through your pain," Porter says. "If it's a significant other that's helping you, and you want to date, I think it's fine."
Jessica Ravitz writes about religion and spirituality. Contact her at jravitz@sltrib.com or 801-257-8776.
"When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. . . . Have a wonderful time with the young women. Do things together, but do not get too serious too soon. You have missions ahead of you, and you cannot afford to compromise this great opportunity and responsibility."
PRESIDENT GORDON B. HINCKLEY
addressing the priesthood at the church's fall 1997 General Conference
"Date only those who have high standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards. . . . Do not date until you are at least 16 years old. Dating before then can lead to immorality, limit the number of other young people you meet, and deprive you of experiences that will help you choose an eternal partner. . . . When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person."
AN EXCERPT
taken from the section on dating in "For the Strength of Youth: Fulfilling Our Duty to God," published by the LDS Church in 2001
"Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. . . . One cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel."
PRESIDENT SPENCER W. KIMBALL
from ''The Miracle of Forgiveness,'' published in 1969
- From The Miracle of Forgiveness, by President. Spencer W. Kimball, published in 1969
