Dear Not Happy Yet • This past week I received a number of emails from Trib readers, responding to your request for advice about dealing with your feelings of anger triggered by the presence of a (caring) new stepparent in your children’s life. The writers were warm-hearted and supportive, eager for you to succeed. I am passing along their observations.
Virtually all of them agreed that time does heal (most) all wounds. It may take years for this to happen, but hang in there. Meanwhile, everyone emphasized the importance of civility in front of your children, acknowledging that there will be moments of failure all around.
Some readers suggested, when possible, to move past mere civility and actively extend kindness. A woman shared this experience: “One Thanksgiving the kids told me that their dad and his wife didn’t have any food. It really bothered them. So the kids and I went grocery shopping for them along with buying a gift certificate to get what else they needed. That was a turning point for me.”
Some readers observed that in time parents and stepparents actually became blended families, full of affection for all the in-laws and outlaws. Others found that relationships never progressed past the cordial stage — if that. Still, these individuals advocated for civility. “A mom who stays on the high road, acts honorably and tries to act with grace even with difficult relationships teaches her children an invaluable lesson,” a reader noted.
One father shared the deep pain he felt knowing that his kids were being raised, in part, by another “dad.” Eventually, he realized that he was “still their dad. That will never change.” This sentiment was echoed by others. Your children are yours, no matter what the circumstances. You don’t need to compete. A reader says this: “Your kids love you just the way you are.”
None of this is to suggest that you shouldn’t feel hurt or angry — or that those feelings won’t sometimes reappear down the long, long Road of Life. In fact, acknowledging your anger is important — as is the idea that you can experience conflicting emotions at the same time. I’ve reprinted a letter touching on this reality below:
Dear Ann Cannon • I know I’m not a professional, but as I was reading your response to that amazing woman, I thought I’d share a principle of mindfulness with you — the idea that in order to invite an emotion to leave, we have to first invite it in. Rumi’s poem “Guest House” puts it really well.
Just like a good holiday party, life is full of amazing stuff and sometimes pretty crappy stuff. The challenge, then, is to feel two emotions at once. Give yourself permission to be disappointed, frustrated, mad, etc. AND also look for the positive in the situation at the same time. It’s like when my 3-year-old told me he had a rock in his shoe after running around the block for about 15 minutes. “Didn’t it bother you?” I asked. “Well, yeah. But I decided to have fun, too.” We let the rocks in our shoes ruin our lives sometimes. We don’t have to. It is our own choice. Take a deep breath. And that space between “inhale” and “exhale” — that’s where you decide what your next second will look like, feel like, be like.
Finally, readers advised you to take care of yourself. “As much as your time allows, give yourself permission to do something for yourself when the kids are with your ex and his wife. Get a massage, have coffee or a shake with a favorite friend, read a book, watch a good movie, take a nap or anything else that is pleasant for you. Don’t feel guilty about these things!”
Thank you again for your question. People you don’t even know are seriously rooting for you.
Dear Ann Cannon • Why do I feel guilty for wanting a purebred puppy instead of doing the noble thing and adopting a mixed-breed dog from the animal shelter?
— Dreaming of My Own Dandie Dinmont
Dear Dreaming • I’m so happy that people send me dog questions! I love being the Tribune’s Resident Dog Expert! Meanwhile, let me absolve you of your first-world guilt. Now go out there and get whichever dog you want.
You’re welcome.
Do you have a question for Ann? Send it to askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
