Dear Ann Cannon • Recently, while we were on vacation, my stepdaughter (age 43) broke into our home. She could have asked for the key we left behind or just pushed in the front door. But, instead, she stomped in our skylight to get in. I have no idea why she did this. There was nothing missing or nothing else disturbed—just the damage to the skylight and a little bit of rain. She confessed this to her aunt, my sister-in-law. I am so confused. Why would a grown woman do this? For what possible reason? Incidentally, my husband has not yet confronted his daughter about this.
— Perplexed in Oklahoma
Dear Perplexed • Wow. I can only imagine your surprise by this development—and your distress, too.
You ask why a grown woman would do something like this. Because I’m not familiar with your stepdaughter’s particular history I can only speculate, but this sounds like a classic “cry for help” to me. She didn’t disturb or steal anything and she confessed her guilt to a family member. At some level your stepdaughter had to know her aunt would eventually relay this information to you and your husband. I think that’s what she wanted, frankly.
It sounds like you think your husband should confront his daughter and I agree — not to shame her but to discover what drove her behavior and (if necessary) to assist her in finding the help she needs, something she may not choose to pursue in the end because you know. Adult children.
Still. You owe it to yourselves and your stepdaughter to find out what’s really going on.
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Dear Ann Cannon • One of the fellows in my family is a great handyman-DIY person. He is always called upon to help with projects, whether it be drywall, plumbing, electrical, roofing repairs or yard work. He never asks for pay nor does he accept any. He does it out of the goodness of his heart. It’s family, and family should help each other. Well, that’s the problem. He’s always there for them and they expect him to help! However, when it comes to them helping him, they are never, ever available. My advice to him was to make himself unavailable. When they experience how much a professional costs, they will appreciate his work and not use him as their personal “grunt.” How would you handle this kind of situation?
— Disappointed Gramma
Dear Gramma • Of all the emotions out there, handling disappointment caused by family members is one of the hardest IMHO.
I’m curious. Did your handyman family member bring up the subject with you? Or did you offer an opinion without being asked? Your suggestion is definitely one approach to the problem, although he may be less likely to employ it if your advice was unsolicited. Human beings are funny that way.
If, in fact, he wants your advice, you might also encourage him to bring up the subject directly with clueless family members himself. Some people find this difficult to do, which is why families often have a default “point person”—that individual to whom everybody talks in hopes that he or she will deliver a message to the others by proxy. Generally speaking, however, I think it’s better for people to communicate directly with one another instead of through a third party — even a well-intentioned third party. That way the chances for misunderstandings, as well as family drama, are decreased.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping this man finally gets the consideration from others he deserves.
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Occasionally readers send me “this or that” questions. Dog or cat? Oxford comma or not? I enjoy responding to these, so I sent out a request for more on Facebook. Readers did not disappoint. Here’s a small sample.
Dear Ann Cannon, Coke or Pepsi? • Dr Pepper.
Red Vines or Twizzlers? • Twizzlers.
Ginger or Mary Ann? • I never vote for people who wear Spandex on uncharted desert isles.
Fry sauce or ketchup? • Fry sauce for fries, ketchup for everything else.
Fake Christmas tree or real? • Who doesn’t love the aroma of a fake tree?
Spock or Data? • Team Spock.
Lynda Carter or Gal Gadot? • Gadot for the win.
City or country? • Depends on which country.
Red Sox or Yankees? • You’re kidding, right? Yankees.
Barry Manilow or John Tesh? • Led Zeppelin.
Do you have a question for Ann? Send it to askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
