Santa Claus is suing the United States, claiming government policies are threatening his health, home and livelihood.

The jolly old elf plans to stuff the paperwork in the president's stocking, or serve him face-to-face by crashing a White House Christmas party.

Claus, doing business as Christmas Inc., Kris Kringle Enterprises and North Pole Ho-Ho-Hos (an escort service he operates to finance his philanthropic endeavors), will sue the Food and Drug Administration, the Drug Enforcement Administration and the Environmental Protection Agency.

When contacted at the Fashion Place Mall last week, Claus claimed the FDA's failure to limit trans fats, high fructose corn syrup and other harmful substances in processed baked goods is to blame for his high cholesterol, hypertension and a belly that shakes "like a bowl full of jelly."

"I drink a lot of milk, eat a lot of cookies," Claus said. "It's part of my job. Can't disappoint those smelly little thumb suckers, now can I? But I'm tired of getting stuck in chimneys."

Claus also claims that hormones used to increase milk production in dairy cattle have caused his excessive beard growth, resulting in the cessation of conjugal relations between himself and his wife, Mrs. Claus.

"I've had it," Mrs. Claus states in a deposition. "It's like sleeping with a polar bear. From now on, Santa sleeps on the coach."

The DEA suit asks the court to enjoin the agency from seeking to limit the sale of "magic dust" which, when inhaled, allows reindeer to "fly high."

"The war on drugs is driving up my delivery costs," Claus contends. "I'll quit before I go hopping down some trail like the damn Easter Bunny."

In the EPA suit, Claus contends that the failure to regulate and reduce greenhouse gas emissions is causing global warming and irreparable harm to the Arctic, submerging the Island of Misfit Toys and causing runaway real estate development on once-frozen tundra.

"I used to think Admiral Byrd was the greatest threat to the North Pole," Claus said. "Now, it's Sandals Resorts, Carnival Cruise Lines and Hooters Restaurants. It won't be long until the Inuit are building casinos."

Global warming is also responsible for the extinction of at least one North Pole species.

"I haven't seen my friend Frosty the Snowman in years," Claus said. "I can only assume the worst."

Claus said he's taken steps to reduce his own carbon footprint.

"We've done all we can here. Installed a methane sequestration system in the reindeer barn. Our new toy factory is LEED certified. We even bought an artificial Christmas tree."

But it's not enough. "The U.S. has pumped more greenhouses gases into the atmosphere than any other nation, so it's up to the U.S. to make me whole," Claus said.

Longtime Claus critic Burgermeister Meisterburger said he wasn't surprised that "Stalin with a beard" would sue the U.S.

"This guy gives his toys away, denying retailers millions of dollars in sales," Meisterburger said. "It's obvious that he hates American capitalism. That's why he didn't sue Communist China."

Casey Jones is a member of The Salt Lake Tribune editorial board. His e-mail address is cjones@sltrib.com