Today, I invite you to consider becoming a member of the Fundamental Institution of Religious Kirb, also known as the FIRKs. It's a new faith. In fact, I just started it five minutes ago.

I'm not the only one doing this. New religions are popping up all the time. Most are knock-offs of existing faiths, splinter groups, or variations on a theme. It's hard to come up with something completely different.

You probably have a lot of questions about FIRKism. I do, too. Like most fledgling faiths, we're still figuring things out. Some stuff we already know.

First, we definitely believe in God. More to the point, we believe that God loves us unconditionally and only wants what's best for us, foremost of which is to avoid making him mad.

Second, I am only the president of FIRK. I am not a prophet. That's a good thing. Frankly, I'd have a hard time telling the difference between a revelation and an ice cream brain freeze.

Larry and Sonny are my counselors. Sonny didn't want to be one but we baptized him anyway. There's none of this waiting around until you're dead like Mormons. A core FIRK doctrine is repeated, forceful baptism of the living until they become worried enough to agree.

As with most other churches, FIRKs meet once a week for worship. Meeting times vary, depending on when we can get everyone together. We do not meet on Super Bowl Sunday, John Wayne's Birthday, or Thursdays.

A typical FIRK worship service lasts about 30 minutes and consists of a couple of prayers, some singing, a short film, and a bit of Q& A, so long as it doesn't end in shouting. We do not handle snakes unless one crawls into church on its own.

FIRKs believe in an afterlife, the specifics of which are decidedly vague because everyone we've sent over to the other side to find out has failed to return.

There is a final judgment, referred to in our doctrine as Wringing of The Souls. If God is able to squeeze more than a pint of sin out of you, don't plan on enjoying eternity.

In general, FIRKism promotes public service, marital fidelity, kindness to animals, and fiscal responsibility within reasonable credit limits. We do not discriminate against any ethnic group, gender (of which we believe there are four), or sexual orientation.

OK, you'll probably find out about this sooner or later, so here it is. Republicans are not allowed to officiate in any of our meetings. We don't know why. That's just the way it is.

What else? Oh, yeah, there is a strict health code in FIRK. The use of tobacco, acrylic paint, some Schedule 4 narcotics, and all purgatives during worship service is prohibited.

Here's the good news: no tithing. Instead, we charge a lot for parking.

If you're interested in learning more about this growing faith, ask a FIRKer. We're everywhere, or soon will be.